yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
