Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
