What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The uberlube is also flammable
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Randomize
