In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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