Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
where are my eyebrows?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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