My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
