im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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