no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
