I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Porn is love you can see.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
