Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
