She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
