i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
