It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
