My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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