i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
