u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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