I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
