Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
