I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
