I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
