I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
