I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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