im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
