i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
