i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
