Where did you get a picture of my penis
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
