Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You are the jesus of drinking
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
