Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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