I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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