My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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