i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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