I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
