Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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