I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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