The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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