Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
