worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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