I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
