we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
