My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
