O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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