quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
