i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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