A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
