I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
