My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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