Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
