Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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