Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
