He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
