Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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